...

i was talking to thi today, oh and thomas and viet .. and i was trying to talk to chris but he wouldnt answer .. fine then ... i dont miss u either .... bäääääääääääääääh .... im hurt. seriously.
thi made me cry , well not really, but yeah ... i wanna go back sooo bad ....and i was talking to my mom and ludi ... shes really stressed out and im kinda worried ...
well spring break has started ... i didnt realize i was gonna have to go to practise during break too. it sucks ... I WANT A LIFE !!! i guess its gonna be ok i get the afternoons off so i can do stuff ...

kalef came over this afternoon. he stayed till like 11 or so. it was really funny we were watching twilight ... i dont think its a great movie. well i like the way it is made, everything is kinda dark and mysterious but other than that its really not that great. and i think the books were a hundred times better .... well anyways, kalef was so cute, we were cuddeling on the couch and he had his hand on my hip and somehow my shirt slid up my hip a little and he was bein all shy and put it back in place. lol hes afraid i dont want him to touch me ... ok so were goin out but ur not gonna touch me? lol. so i texted him and asked him why and he said hes afraid i wont like it. damn, im makin out with u all the time and ur concerned that i dont like u to touch me ... ? ... but i think its cute that hes so worried all the time .. allthough id like him to take charge too ... cant help it its just hot ...

oh u know whats also hot .... cars ... shit everyday i see one i really really want.
i better get me some old millionaire soon ... i need money lol ...

i had a really long talk with mark today about maria and how she was hurt with me and all that. i mean, im really tryin to be a nice person but thats hard sometimes, and seriously, who can always be nice and sweet and all that ... im just human, damnit! ... ill get over it lol, talking helped ...

well tomorrow im gonna have to be at practise by 8 45 ... putting stats in the computer ... and then maybe in the afternoon kalef is gonna come over, but idk yet. i kinda wanna do something with rachel ... get drunk or stoned or so ... something fun ...
but shes probably doin something with tommy ...
talking about them ... i cant believe that theyve been goin out for 3 years ... i mean ... 3 YEARS ... thats intense. id get so bored and annoyed. but she really loves him so thats different i guess .. but isnt it crazy to meet someone in 8th grade and stay with them and plan to have a life together ? ... wow

its urs now baby ...

tomorrow were gonna have a home game, moriarty jv and varsity ...
its gonna start right after school ...
today it was really hot, so we had a waterfight, it was awesome.
After i was done at practise kalef, maria and me went to the bar to get a drink and just hang out. we played pool and watched tv. . . it was cool, but i would have prefered to be there without maria lol ... i had fun though

today during third i went to the weight lifting room and hung out with kalef ... he gave me his bracelace to hold it and i put it on. he told me to keep it ... that was really sweet ... later i texted him and said i really like ur bracelace and he said, its urs now baby ... wow
i guess that means were really going out ... thats cool, im just a little concerned because i liked it being just a after school and weekend thing, i was perfectly fine with that ... but whatever its ok ... i wont go sit with him though bah i wanna stay with rachel and katie ...

today katie told me she is gonna throw a good bye party for me ... thats so fuckin sweet , i almost started crying. she got shawn to be our dj and were gonna have alcohol and all that. i think its so sweet of her ... it made me really sad though, because the chances of ever seing her again after this are really not good ... and i feel like shes a true friend ... its crazy, her rachel sabrina, and kalef , oh and maria, are pretty much the only people im gonna miss ... it sucks though ...

oh yesterday evening i watched twilight ... in german ... uh it felt really funny listening to it ... german is a strange language lol ... i didnt think it was that great, so im hoping that the dialogs are gonna be better in english ... i think were gonna watch it this weekend with ashley ...

rusty is coming home tomorrow so maria is gonna be gone ... thats good, allthough i really dont think hes right for her. on the other hand, he seems to be the only one who is able to put up with and love her faults .... and annoyingness ... uh that sounds really mean .. so anyways maybe they are ment to be together ...

well, kalef is gonna call me in a little bit, so ive got to get off ...
... <3

sick thoughts ...

not really sick thoughts, but i am sick and i did some thinking, so yeah. First off, i am MONK ....

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder most commonly characterized by intrusive, repetitive thoughts resulting in compulsive behaviors and mental acts that the person feels driven to perform, according to rules that must be applied rigidly, aimed at reducing anxiety by preventing some dreaded event or by resolving a more nebulous sense of tension. However, the likelihood that a dreaded event will occur, or the causal relationship between the performance of compulsions and the reduction of this likelihood, tends to be imagined or exaggerated.

o.o. Coach was right ....
this may seem strange to people that only know me as the messy person that hates to clean her room. well i have changed, i clean my room every day, i hate dust, animal hair, things just lying around .... and i love the way a carpet looks when its vacuumed ... oh ... and whenever i am at managing, everything has to be the same handwriting, the office has to be cleaned, the jerseys have to face the same direction ... ohhhhh i really am monk ....
well i guess as long as i dont exaggerate it itll be fine ... but people think im crazy now ... i mean i was running around in the hallways trying to find a janitor ... i found one, and borrowed his vacuumcleaner ... then i vacuumed coaches office. cj came in and he dropped some chips on the floors, so i freaked out at him .... kalef had to calm me down ...
thas not good ...
but anyways, love it or fuck off .. fine then, i have ocd, whats the big deal ....

:)
love yall

fallin for u

thats what kalef told me. he said he falls for me bad .... WOW ... thats intense.
so i guess were dating now, and this morning he asked me to be his date for prom ... i told him i was probably gonna go with katie and rachel, but idk, i guess were still going together somehow.
he keeps on telling me how im perfect and great and beautiful ... its crazy ...
and he told me hes falling for me ... boha

...

ive been pretty sick the last past days, i felt like crap and it wouldnt go away. i think im just exhausted, as all i did the last days was sleep ... i wake up and the room ist spinning, and my head hurts like a bitch. it sucks big time. i dont think im gonna go to the game tomorrow ....

im a little pissed at maria ... she went shopping, and she bought clothes that look exactely like mine. i mean, thats fine, but she keeps on borrowing my clothes too and in school she tells everyone how WE wear EACH OTHERS clothes. which is not true at all. I mean, she thinks im wearing flared jeans just because she does. thats bull shit, i dont, i wear them because i like them and because they are comfortable. I have never ever borrowed any of her clothes, i dont like her clothes .... im not trying to be like her ... she was the one who coloured her hair the color i did. she is the one who tries to wear her make up like i do. she is the one who started listening to the music i listen to. and then she tells everyone how i really like her style and all that. it makes me angry, it makes me look as if i cant speak for myself and be myself. i didnt change at all because of her, and now, that i finally found a style i like, shes tryin to take it away from her.
She is always there ... 24/7. we go to school together, she follows me around after school, we eat together. i try to spend time with my friends but she includes herself ....
well but now shes becoming a prep, so i guess shell have her own cool friends soon. its funny, i mean you would think everyone would like to be a prep, but i really dont care much for it. i mean, i could become one if i wanted to, i get along with those people, but the friends i really care about are the stoners and unpopular kids. they are down to earth, their daddy doesnt pay for everything they do, and they dont care about where you buy your clothes.
fuck that stupid clique system.
i mean, not all the preps are stupid, kalef is one, but he is not arrogant and he doesnt wear hollister every single day.
maria is trying to change herself for vince and all the other popular kids, its her choice, but i dont respect her for trying to fit in. she was perfectly fine with the stoners, but she wants to be popular ... thats fine ...
bah i guess im just talking so much shit about her now, because i never said anything before. Fact is, is that i dont agree with her behaviour and with how she treats me. she thinks that i need to be saved, and i need to be brought back on the right path, because im lost ... blablabla. fuck that. i dont believe in god and i wont . period. and its not like i have no idea about whats going on, i do have my own opinion and im able to express it. it just makes me angry how she thinks she is better than be just because she has been saved by jesus ... blablabla

rachel is down though, she is awesome. i love the way she thinks, she thinks the same way as i do about stuff , and i love having discussions with her.

its ok i guess, ill get over maria, but its hard being pissed and not saying anything ...
and now she is friends with k too, so i cant vent about it to him ....

whatever ... i guess im just in a bad mood because ive had a fuckin headache all day long ...

uh , i wanna go shopping ... maybe ill try ordering stuff from the internet, i found some pretty cool clothes on some page ....

PEACE

last three days

The day before yesterday i had my first softballgame. It was freezing, and it was raining, i was really cold. We lost. And the field didnt even have benches. It sucked big time. I had to sit on a bucket and i did the books wrong.

But yesterday i came prepared. Long underwear, gloves, hat, warm socks ... didnt freeze that much. We had two games and we won both. The first against cleveland, the second one against rio rancho. Coach Dominguez was sitting by me all the time, i did the books right and i think i have them down now , pretty much.

But I realized how different i am from those girls ... wow. We were watching cinderella story on the way back and alvin and the chipmunks. They all love pink and their hair is done every single day ... allof them are preps and they talk in that voice, oh my gooooooosh ....its ridiculous ... so im gonna try to get katie to come with me for the next times. I need someone down to earth, i dont wanna hang with all those pink unicorn fantasyworld girly girls .... baaaaaaaaaah

And then i burned my face yesterday ... great ... my lips are itching like hell ...

oh and yesterday night, kalef, vince and derek came by and we were watching mirrors ... it was really creepy and it got me scared good ... i was happy that k didnt come alone, maria kuddels on him when he does .... mine! Lol.

I like him and all that , but i really dont know if i like like him... i mean i just kissed him because maria told rachel that she had a dream about getting with him ... and ive been just fine with hooking up since then ...i guess its just some kind of competition for me ... i dont know though

but after he left , he started texting me, and he was asking me if we are just hooking up or if we are a couple ... i told him hooking up .... and he told me that hed rather be a couple. I asked him what the difference was and he told pretty much we are going out and he sees me as his girlfriend ... i dont know about that ...but i always get away with not telling him anything, i mean he is the one who said that, i just said ok, so he cant say that i told him i wanted that.

So mark played a prank on vince yesterday. We have been having a prank war for like two weeks now and it was awesome. I played a couple of pranks on vince and k, i taped up their entire cars, i put shaving cream in their doorhandles, i put pink grassstuff all over his car, i put sticky notes in the window and i wrote all over their cars with white shoepolish. It was so funny ...

and mark knew about all of that, so he decided to play a prank too. Vince never ever takes his keys out of his car, so mark moved it to a different place. When we were walking the guys out, maria started talking about how she wonders where vinces car is ... he found out it was gone. For some reason he thought it was all me, so i told him, i had seen derek with his keys. Derek had already left so vince called him and it was really funny.

Today im gonna go to the park and meet all the people,k , vince, tim, david, lt, robin, ... . they are making a scary movie and they asked maria and me to be zombies .. i dont know though if i want to , i think ill just watch and laugh my ass off lol

TODAY

well, tomorrow were gonna go to state ...

yeah, were gonna get our asses kicked ... nice.

Kalef and me have been hooking up the last past days, somehow, the whole school knows it ... i didnt know anyone was watching ... thats kind embarassing .... but whatever, everyone loves gossip thats why ....

today i got really mad at coaches daughters. I mean , disrespectful. Oh thi, ur gonna love this. I mean, seriously, when i was their age, i shut up, when older people were talking. And i was polite and not rude. Myra is giving me the black attitude shit. The head thingy. Uh i really dont mean to be racist ... but shes doing the ms bossy bitch thing. It drives me nuts. And katie too. . .

we were trying to tell her to be more polite, but she was giving us attitude ... im gonna do something about her if she doesnt get her shit together ... well anyways, they are gonna come to the game to and that will suck, katie wont be there, and then ill have to put up with them alone .... uh and im not gonna be able to sit in the back, yah sure, ill go and fuck all of those guys ... on the ride home ... after the game .... bullshit. It makes me angry how coaches think im one of those whores .....

well on sunday kalef and vince are gonna come over and i think well just hang out. Its gonna be cool, lol i want some kissing ... that sounds bad ...

i really miss the germany people , i need to party.... feel like a retard ....

thats all i guess, ill hopefully be able to get on the internet on sunday ...

3-1-09

well kalef just left.

It was cool, we were watchin one missed call and it was scary, so i started kuddling up with him... it was a little strange though, because kim was watching and maria was sitting on the same couch lol.

Well anyways, when he had to leave i walked him out and we hugged, and then he was so cute and asked if it was ok with me if he kissed me ... lol .... and then we just kinda went for it ...

it was good :)

and just right now he texted me that he hopes we can keep on doing that . I said yes, but i dont know whats going on, i mean i guess were just hook up buddies but i think it will turn into dating ... hes not a hook up guy ....

uh and this might sound really bad, but it would be really cool, if it was just hooking up, because then i could get with stefan ... but that would be really mean and bitchy ... bah i was just thinking, i mean hes hot too. And last week he just like picked me up over his shoulder and carried me around ... and he kept on pinching my leg ... and hes hot ...

uh i really need to shut up and at least try to appreciate kalef. I mean hes like out of a movie ... perfect somewhat ...

ok ill see him in school tomorrow. I hope he wont expect me to eat lunch with him or so, i mean im really not wanting to not sit with the stoners ... they are way cool ....

uh i need to remember to take some pictures of countryside and school and so....

ok well i guess thats it ... just updating lol

3-2-09

uh , everything is cool.

Kalef is so cute. He didnt kiss me today, i think he was intimidated ... he never wants to push me into anything, its so sweet ...

He was telling me all this stuff, and then he said, he was just tryin to make up excuses so he could kiss me .... i was all like ... ok ... and he asked if he had to have excuses, said no ... so well see whats gonna happen.

The c team guys were bugging me today, and he went there and told them off ... it was awesome, he threatened to kick their asses if they didnt leave me alone. They think were going out now, but thats just fine with me ...

its funny how the prep guys accepted me, just because they heard k and me were hooking up ... thats strange ... hate that clique issue, its stupid ... i mean, being judged just because of ur clothes, thats just ridiculous ... somewhat its understandeable, i mean richer kids, richer clothes, all together , ... but i wear what i want and then i belong to ... whatever. I dont even know and i dont care ...

well i met shawn today ... katies so in love with him. I think hes really good for her, so i told her that, and she thinks it means a lot .... its funny how everything seems to work out for everyone, except maria.

Idk i really dont wanna be mean, but i think shes a drama queen. I mean, everything could be so easy ... but she has to make it complicated ... dont get me wrong, i love her to death, but shes just being strange sometimes. She tells different things to certain people, just because she wants them to think shes like that and that, when shes really not ...

i hope coming to germany will help her to realize that she doesnt have to change for anyone ....

oh and today, something funny happened ... i mean, everybody knows that i usually constantly blush ... not today... its strange and cool ... and strange lol

on wednesday, im gonna have a meeting with mr ferguson, to talk about being a history teacher. Hes down, the only problem is he never shuts up. Youll ask him what time is, and hell go on forever about whats new. Whatever, we all love fergie ...

well, thats it for today ... stay chill .... :)